From our Reader

I read your book, Reaching the Top, and I must say, given the breadth of industries you chose, I was shocked by how accurate and close to home your findings are to my own experience.

In particular, is the paradox that women simply cannot get away with the same behavior as men? If so, do they need to moderate their behavior consciously, while at the same time penalizing themselves if they don’t appear “relaxed/authentic?” I found this very hard to grapple with. I was regularly warned that “men don’t like arrogant women” while at the same time, was urged to be more assertive and to push certain agendas. How does one successfully convey “relaxed authenticity” while simultaneously needing to project so many other facades? The other disliked attribute in my industry for women was “being emotional/defensive.” The successful men I observed were often arrogant, emotional and defensive, but nevertheless, these men were seen as ambitious, passionate and had a fighting spirit.

On your advice to occasionally be seen to let down some barriers, I agree this is vital. You suggest humor is one way to do this. What other strategies appeared to work from your research?

Wanda’s Reply

The relaxed/authentic challenge is a conundrum for women. I believe women have to be strong on occasion and soft on others – which ones require which are probably different for men and for women. I can say that as I watch women everyday, they either over do the assertive side or under do it – rarely do they achieve a balance. And if you think about it, there are so few role models of strong women – in movies, in work and in life. We just don’t have good places to observe this sort of behavior in balance. We do see the balance when women are in the supporting role (as in a mother, deputy or COO); however, those are very different from being in the lead role or the P&L role.

The other thing that is hard for women is showing the personal side. It’s a thin line and a tricky one. You need to let you guard down enough for people to get to know the person as a human being. But if you let the guard down too far, it can get used against you. I do think women are overly protective and too quickly take offense when men try to reach out to the personal side. Humor works well here – so does finding/talking about a common interest. A wonderful colleague helped me understand that this is why men talk about sports. I find I connect with men around children but only if I stay on the positive side of kids like their accomplishments/sports/interests, etc. I have to know the person well to go any deeper. With another woman though, I can go quickly to the challenges and joys of parenting - Same topic, two different conversations.

I agree with you about the emotional/defensive problem. Organizations want women because they can bring an emotional context that is badly needed to connect with clients and employees, to create engagement, and to fuel creativity. Yet, organizations are afraid of those emotions. It’s the sense that the emotions are out of control that causes real problems. I think they do well with passion but not anything else. I believe the trick is showing positive emotion in a way that is under control and showing negative emotion only rarely and with a clear purpose in mind.